Friday, April 12, 2013

Stealing Beauty

Recently I received a catalog in the mail from a company that sold products to the elderly. I was of course offended that I could be on such a list to receive this but as I've said before, catalogs are my crack and I had to at least look at it.

Now you'd expect walkers or hospital beds, perhaps diabetes aids. But no, this company created a niche market selling products that cater to all of the vanity worries that we older women have. Wrinkles in your earlobe? Just tape them back with some miracle tape! Droopy eyelids? A little dab of glue in the crease will fix that right up! There were corsets and Spanx, hair dyes and false toenails. You could go from Camilla Parker Bowles to Kim Kardashian overnight. As long as you were willing to put in the time and pray that the glue holds.

I'm not sure how I feel about this quite yet. It's somewhere between crazy and genius.

A friend of mine is a police officer and she recently sent me a hilarious phone log from a woman suspected in multiple robberies. Among this woman's list of contacts were people with names like "KMoney" and "Snake". Then as you scroll down, there was one glaring exception. The 800 number for "Lifestyle Lift", the one hour, no down-time face lift.  It made me wish I was going to be on that jury. Her defense: aged out of the job market? Left for a younger woman at 60? Your honor, what else could I do? Tape my earlobe wrinkles?

The lesson here? Try gluing your face up to it's original position before robbing a bank.